Mending What's Broken
by YourRhineStoneEyes
Summary: They both said things that in the long run they didn't mean to say, things that in a week or two they would be willing to forgive and forget over. Just not always does life give you the chance to make up tomorrow.
1. Chapter 1

Author's Note: I also have this story posted on my Archive of Our Own account, if you want to check out stories that I don't have on here then you can find me under yourrhinestoneeyes on there...Same name really...Different fics though.

Skwisgaar wrapped his legs around the younger man's back drawing him closer, drawing him in deeper. Fuck he needed this, needed him. Sharp teeth bit into the side of his neck, he tilted his head to the side exposing more of his neck to the younger musician. Toki's nails dug into his hips forming crescent shaped bruises in pale flesh. Skwisgaar moaned, his lover's name falling from his lips like a desperate prayer. He met him thrust for thrust, arms wrapped around his neck and fingers digging into his scarred back. Toki kissed him roughly, he swallowed every moan and desperate plea for him to fuck him harder. Skwisgaar wanted to feel everything, he wanted to be fucked until he was seeing stars and couldn't walk for a week. He knew the younger musician was one of the very few men he could count to give that to him. With each hard deep thrust he hit against Skwisgaar's prostate, each shock of pleasure bringing him closer to cumming. He bucked his hips when a hand wrapped around his hard cock, squeezing, stroking slowly. Too slowly, he hated being teased. He whined against Toki's lips, the younger man smirked and ran the tip of his tongue along his jawline before biting down on his neck. Close. God he was so fucking close.

He heard a phone ringing somewhere on the floor. The younger man's thrusts slowed to a stop, Toki glanced towards the phone laying on the floor.

"Don't you fucking dare answer that." Skwisgaar said voice thick, breathing uneven.

Toki looked from him to the phone again, "What if it's something important?"

"I don't care, I'm really fucking close right now. Please Toki"

The brunette was looking at the still ringing phone again, he muttered a quick 'sorry' as he pulled out of the older musician and went to retrieve the phone from the floor. Skwisgaar flopped down onto his back groaning, his dick was hard to the point that it hurt and he swore he could start crying from the frustration he was feeling right now.

"Hello? Oh hi Mag-hey"

Skwisgaar raised his head now less focused on his painful arousal and more interested in his partner's phone conversation. He watched as the younger man tried to pull his jeans on while cradling the phone against his shoulder and carrying on a not as quiet as he figured phone conversation.

"I'm not busy...Yeah I can, we can hang out tomorrow."

Toki looked towards Skwisgaar, he looked nervous and guilty when he met the older man's questioning gaze.

The blond watched as his boyfriend left the room closing the door behind him. All thoughts of getting off were out the window at this point.

Skwisgaar retrieved his pants from the floor and pulled them back on, he sat back down waiting for Toki to come back into the room. Unless he just went somewhere else after he got done talking to Magnus. How dumb did he think Skwisgaar was, he knew who he was talking to. He spent half of his time going between Dr. Rockso and Magnus, but mostly Magnus. They had told him multiple times to stay away from the band's ex-guitarist, never exactly why. They didn't want to explain it, they didn't really want to think about it. Back after Magnus had been kicked out of the band they just agreed to forget him, to not bring him up again amongst themselves or whatever asshole they replaced him with. Up until a couple of months ago they had been doing very good with that, but now it seemed hard to avoid.

When Toki came back into the room he kept his eyes on the floor, brown hair falling over his shoulders and hiding his face from view so he didn't have to look at Skwisgaar.

"Who were you talking to?"

"Nobody"

"Bull shit you were talking to Magnus."

"So what if I was?" He countered finally feeling brave enough to look the older man in the eye.

"We keep telling you to stay away from him Tokis, he's not...You don't need to be around him."

Magnus was crazy, violently crazy; Skwisgaar still had marks to prove how violently crazy he could be with his 'friends'.

"Why not, you keep saying that, but never tell me what the fuck it means."

"He's a crap person, alright? He's a lying abusive asshole who treats people like shit."

"Hm sounds really familiar." Toki replied, he crossed his arms over his chest as he glared down at the blond haired man.

Skwisgaar stood up from the bed and approached him.

"Are you still whining about that, I told you I'm sorry. I'm really fucking sorry."

"Yeah I'm still whining about that, you made me feel like shit."

"You ruined my fucking career." Skwisgaar yelled.

"You made me feel like shit for nearly five years, it's the least I could fucking do."

Skwisgaar sighed heavily, they didn't need to have this fight again. He didn't really want to think about that, growing list of things he didn't need or want to think about.

"Just...Just stay away from Magnus, please I really mean it Toki." He said voice softer this time.

Toki still looked angry with him, he wasn't letting his guard down or listening to what Skwisgaar had to say on the subject. Why the hell did it seem like everybody hated each other anymore?

"Why?"

"He's a bad person, we've all told you that."

"That isn't a fucking reason. At least he wants to be around me, he doesn't demean me, and he treats me like a person. He doesn't treat me like I'm in the fucking way or like I don't belong."

Hurt and hate wavered in light colored blue eyes as he looked up at the taller man, daring him to say or do the wrong thing to push this over the line.

"He doesn't care about you, he's just out for himself."

"How dare you say that, you don't even know him. You guys just tossed him to the side and replaced him."

"We had to, he wasn't doing any good for the band."

"He's my friend, he understands how I feel. If I want to hang out with him then I will."

Skwisgaar didn't want to see him get hurt, Toki was always getting hurt. Physical pain he could handle, he could handle it rather fine, but it was the emotional pain that seemed to be wearing him down to nothing. Skwisgaar didn't want to see what would happen to him when Magnus finally turned on him, what there would be left if anything at all.

"I don't want to see you hurt, you're acting like a fucking child. Just listen to me for once, I'm telling you this to help you."

"So now you want to help me and now you care about me, maybe I don't need you anymore. Maybe I found somebody who actually gives a shit and actually wants what's best for me. All you fucking do is what benefits you, you don't really give a shit about me."

"That has to be the dumbest thing I've ever heard you say." Skwisgaar said.

For a second he expected Toki to punch him.

"Fuck you Skwisgaar. I'm through with this...I can't deal with this anymore, any of this. Pickles and Nathan won't talk, you've been a bastard to me lately and now you suddenly care about me? Fuck that, I don't fucking need you. I have a friend who actually cares about me now, I don't need this."

His tone of voice said that he was done, fed up; everybody was fed up lately. Fed up with each other, with the electric tension going through their mansion. Nobody could be in a room with one another without it ending in a fight or somebody storming out. Skwisgaar had hoped him and Toki could salvage something; they fought a lot, they always had, but it never lasted long. It never felt like it meant anything beyond a few harsh words, maybe a fist fight, and then they would be okay again. This felt different; nobody wanted to mend what was breaking before their eyes.

"What do you mean by that?" Skwisgaar asked, he knew, but he wanted to hear it.

"I'm...I'm ending whatever this is, I want to say that we're dating, but we aren't. I can't even really say that we're friends, I hate your fucking guts. I don't want to be around you anymore, I'm done feeling like shit."

Skwisgaar watched as he turned and started to walk away.

"Fine fucking be a baby over this, I don't fucking need you either. You think Magnus is going to be there for you, you're a fucking idiot. He'll use you then he's going to turn on you, don't fucking expect me to be here for you when it happens." Skwisgaar yelled after him.

Toki slammed the door shut behind him.

It's funny how deafening silence is when somebody realizes exactly how alone they are.


	2. Chapter 2

Their band was ending. Skwisgaar was in utter shock over the news; literally everything in his life was falling down around him. His best friend stopped talking to him completely, he was losing his band which had become like a family to him over the years, and even losing his home. He could find another band, there was always another band wanting the world's fastest guitar player, but he didn't want another band. He wanted this band; he wanted to go back to the days where they were happy. He wanted to go back to talking to one another, laughing, and fucking around. He didn't want this. He didn't want his world to end.

It took no time at all for him to figure out that nobody was there for him. Nathan was off with Knubbler working on a new project, a better project. Pickles was off trying to do something else entirely, and when Toki wasn't hanging around Murderface he was out with Magnus. Skwisgaar found himself going between Nathan and Pickles mostly, Toki wouldn't have a damn thing to do with him and in turn that meant Murderface was also giving him the silent treatment. He felt like shit about what had happened, things hadn't been right for a long time. Skwisgaar had hoped in a way they had been picking up the pieces; that they were working on mending what was left of their fucked up complicated relationship, but it seemed things were only getting worse. He had just been too wrapped up in himself, in distancing himself so as to not get hurt to notice that it was all going to crash and burn sooner than later.

Skwisgaar didn't deal with being alone well. It made him nervous and anxious; it made him think back to times when his mom left him alone far too many times. Even the strangers he brought into his bedroom to forget his friends were all abandoning on what they had worked so hard on couldn't distract him or ease the anxiety building up inside of him. He could tell nobody wanted this. Nobody wanted the band to end, nobody wanted to leave Mordhaus and go out into a world they forgot how to get along in. The five of them always relied on one another, but now they were killing that. He wanted to tell them how stupid and selfish this was, how selfish they all were being. Nobody wanted to talk, nobody wanted to listen. Normally he would just go to Toki, talk to him, and spend time with him. He knew this had to be fucking him up just as badly if not worse, but he couldn't confirm that. When they were in rooms together Toki would promptly get up and leave, when Skwisgaar would go to his room Toki would lock the door and wait for him to go away, and when he tried calling him he wouldn't answer.

Being alone was not something that Skwisgaar was fond of and having his four friends turn their backs on him and each other was killing him. Who knew how much worse it could get?

Before their final show he had dumbly allowed himself some semblance of hope that things would be okay again. That Nathan would suck it up and admit that he fucked up, that he was sorry. He knew Nathan felt bad, he could tell by the way he was acting. Nobody wanted to see the band end. Playing and knowing it was the last time filled him with a feeling of panic, he felt like his heart would burst through his chest at any minute. If there hadn't been thousands of people watching them then he would have burst into tears knowing this would be the last time he would ever play alongside his friends. His only friends. His family.

Then everything turned dark, almost as if they stepped into another dimension or a morbid horror film. He didn't remember much, just thinking it was a Hellish nightmare when that large demonic man like creature came. That thing with tendrils of white hair and black pouring from its gaping mouth. When the head of the record company was killed protecting them, saving their lives.

When they were in relative safety the looks on his friends faces told him that he wasn't the only one in shock about what had just taken place. The knowing look on Ofdensen's face as he led them underground into a large cave that seemed to host its own village worth of people told him there were a million things they needed to know. The feeling of being trapped inside of a terrible nightmare that made no sense at all didn't leave him. It stayed firmly planted in the forefront of his mind. He could only listen to the bearded old man as he talked about the church of the blackklok, about prophecies, and about how they were descendants of Gods. Skwisgaar could only think of dreams he'd had about warriors adorning white armor and wielding pristine blades. He could only think of dreams where he ran alongside white wolves that at some time in his past used to run after him, but now they were loyal to him. He thought of all the times he felt more than human, more than what his mother made him feel he was. He always figured it was self indulgent dreaming to think of himself as something beyond human, something better. Something important.

He was still shaken from all the death, from nearly dying, their final show, and the death of the head of the record label. There were too many thoughts rushing around his head to the point he felt he could vomit. Not having his guitar with him was driving him crazy, his fingers felt numb. He could hear talking, but he didn't take in all of it; he was too busy in his own mind. The only thing that brought him back remotely was when the talking stopped and when he felt fingers brush against his own. He looked down at his hand, at the shorter fingers caressing his knuckles then up into ice blue eyes. Toki didn't say anything, he just looked at him reflecting the confusion and fear Skwisgaar was feeling. He expected to be kissed, forgiven, but it never happened. Toki walked away and the blond haired man promptly followed him. Everybody was silent, somehow more silent than they had been before. Nobody was in the mood for talking; there was too much to process. When he chanced glances at Nathan he could tell that the front man knew something. By the concentrated look on his face, the fear in his green eyes Skwisgaar could tell he knew a lot, but he wouldn't talk about it.

Skwisgaar could scream at them, at everybody. He was sick of nobody talking, he was sick of people knowing things, but never sharing. He was reeling from the fact the world was ending, they were nearly killed by some Godless Man, they were part of a prophecy, and even after all of that their band was still ending. He could only wonder what now.

It wasn't until they got back to Mordhaus did he figure out what now.

The vodka went nicely with the meth that he kept stashed beneath his bed for times like these.


	3. Chapter 3

Even after such Earth shattering revelations and the death of yet another man who had guided them in their musical career they were not talking. The silence going through Mordhaus turned from one of hate filled tension to something heavy and depressing Skwisgaar could practically feel the fear in the air, he could see it in his friends eyes the few times he came into contact with them. They didn't want to speak, they didn't want to be near one another. That had not changed despite developments; despite the fact that there was to be a funeral very soon. Skwisgaar wasn't looking forward to it, he wasn't looking forward to his future. He had stubbornly hoped time and time again that something would change. He had came close to breaking nihilist beliefs and praying that something would keep his band from ending. He couldn't lose this, this was security; this make shift home and family made up for the love and comfort that had been taken from him as a child. Anymore this place felt as cold and self loathing as his mother's home in Sweden. He felt isolated; alcohol helped to ease the pain of that. Being alone brought a chill with it that filled you up on the inside. The burn of vodka filled him with a false sense of warmth, of feeling something besides an overwhelming sadness.

He quickly took notice that ever since what happened Toki had became somehow even closer with Magnus. He didn't even know that were humanly possible, but apparently it was. Most of his time was spent out, away from the others. They refused to let the ex-guitarist onto the property, Skwisgaar always felt uneasy and worried each time Toki went out with the older man. He still didn't trust him, but he knew better than to voice that feeling. Even though he had known Magnus longer, knew what he had been like and most probably still was like he knew better than to say a damned thing. If he hadn't said anything in the first place then him and Toki would be at least on speaking terms. Skwisgaar thought back to being in that cave, the younger man's fingers brushing against his hand and the fearful look in his eyes. That had been the most contact they'd had ever since their fight and literally nothing after that brief moment of vulnerability.

Skwisgaar didn't want to spend his time this way. He wanted everybody to be together, but that wouldn't happen. He had hoped he would at least have Toki by his side, but he had fucked that up for himself. He didn't know how to fix it, fix anything even if it was just a temporary fix he wasn't sure what to do. Skwisgaar didn't know how to admit how much he hated being this alone, how much he constantly needed to be around people or at least have one person by his side. Somebody who actually knew him, who knew how awkward and fragile and completely immature he was more times than not. Toki was his closest friend, that was something rare for him, losing close friends wasn't so rare on the other hand. Back when he was a kid he lost them for completely different reasons, as an adult he lost his friends, because he pushed them away. He hurt them, betrayed them, and apparently abused them. He couldn't work it out in his brain why he did these things, why it made sense to him that these were the ways to keep those he loved by his side, but it felt like it worked. His mother had always used guilt and demeaning remarks to keep Skwisgaar loyally by her side, but he had eventually run far away from her. He shouldn't be surprised people he loved left him after some time.

His phone went off pulling him from dark vodka induced thoughts. He picked it up from the edge of the bed surprised to see that it was Toki calling him.

"Hello"

There was mostly silence on the other end of the line, he could hear rustling and uneven breathing.

"Hey Skwisgaar" The younger man finally responded.

From the tone of his voice and the way that it trembled he wondered if he was crying.

"Why are you calling me?"

"I'm not really sure...Nobody else will talk to me and Magnus is busy..."

Skwisgaar kept himself from making a remark on the mention of the older musician's name. He hadn't heard Toki talk for awhile now, he wasn't going to get into a second fight and chance never hearing from him again. Bad enough they couldn't be in the same room to have this discussion.

"Why didn't you just come to my room?"

"I sort of just want to be by myself, but I need somebody to talk to."

Silence fell between them. He remembered days when they would either talk for hours or they wouldn't talk at all and it would be just fine. He missed playing guitar while his friend listened, he missed that adoration.

"Toki I think we should talk about what happened."

"Don't"

"We need to talk about this, I was only trying to help you."

"I don't want to talk about this, I'll hang up on you." Toki warned.

Skwisgaar kept quiet.

He took another drink from the bottle. He wanted to tell him something, anything, or a lot of things. Admit he was a selfish asshole, confess he was in love with him and that scared the Hell out of him. Tell him that he didn't want to lose the band, because his only use in life was guitar and he was scared of what would happen if he lost this one thing. Tell him his fear of being alone, admit he screwed up by pushing everybody away by treating them like crap.

"Do you know how much you mean to me?" Skwisgaar asked, his voice came out small like it was a question he didn't want to voice.

"No" Was the simple response

It was such a flat, one dimensional and hopeless response for somebody who used to look at him with hope filled eyes.

The alcohol managed to push down the lump in his throat and burn away the aching in his chest. He told himself the tears pricking at his eyes were just from the awful burn the drink left in him.

"I think we need to talk, not right now...After the funeral maybe, we don't have to talk about Magnus. There's just other things we really need to talk about."

Skwisgaar didn't want to be alone, he didn't want to permanently lose this one person. He could work on himself, he could work on being less selfish; there was always tomorrow, always time and learning from a lifetime of mistakes. He was willing to work on it.

"I don't know"

"Please, I'll take you somewhere nice, anywhere. I just...I really need to tell you some things and there's just a lot we need to discuss. Please Toki"

Each second without a response made him more and more nervous.

"Aren't you afraid people might get the wrong idea if they see us somewhere together?"

"I don't care about that."

He just needed to see him, needed to work on making something new.

"Alright, we can talk after the funeral. Besides that might be the last time we get to see each other anyway."

More vodka washed away the urge to cry.

"Right...I'll see you later I guess."

"Yeah, later Skwisgaar."

The line went dead, Skwisgaar tossed his phone down onto the bed. He wasn't sure if he felt hopeful or like he was just going to end another chapter in his life that he was far from ready to end. These were people he had known for years, this was the person he loved; he wasn't ready to cut all ties with them.


End file.
